When I was on the verge of suicide because of the medication - it was pills that I was going to use. No one understood what I was going through.They thought they did, but of course, they had no idea. I was hollow on the inside. There was nothing there. The world was grey. There was no hope. I went from hero to zero in nothing flat and added to that was so much physical pain on top of it, that I couldn’t even open my eyes on a regular basis, much less move. Try to think when you are lying in bed – a zombie on medication, nothing to do, no one wants to see you. Your whole world has ended. No goals. No friends anymore. No nothing. And the pain – Ah, the pain. It’s so bad, that you can’t even think a full sentence in your head, except to plead with God to kill you this instant, to make it stop. To make any deal with God that you can, because you will do anything to make it stop. Sell your soul? You bet! Why live? The only reason I found to live was because it would hurt the people I love, who loved me back. Too much trauma to them. Not to me, of course. To me it would be over. A deserving rest. To them, it would be horrifying – something that would scar them for years. I couldn’t do that to them. So I didn’t do it. I couldn’t do it. My husband, my kids, my parents, my siblings, I just couldn’t do that to them. I had to find meaning – some way – some how. I had to find a way to deal with the pain as a part of me. I had to start loving myself again as a person. I had to rebuild ME – starting from scratch. Going over my life starting at my childhood, I opened my heart, and looked at everything I did with new eyes. Eyes that did not want to cause anyone I knew any pain. This was a new perspective for me. I forgave myself for a lot of things that were not my fault that I had been carrying around as baggage for years. I took the blame for things that I caused that I had been avoiding for years as well. For those two things, I tried to make life a little better, as good as I could, considering it was decades later, and sometimes it worked and sometimes it didn’t, but at least I tried. I decided to talk to a higher power. Some people talk to God. They pray. I have philosophical conversations. My higher power’s name is Fred. Fred is a humanizing name. Fred brings things closer down to Earth. Fred is a name that you can talk to. Fred can be your friend. Fred is Universal. So far, Fred and I, we have had many a conversations. Below, is an example of the first conversation that Fred and I had.
Fred, I’m in so much pain, I want to die this instant. Please make it happen.
Melinda – you know, I can’t do that. I won’t do that. Now, hold on. Nobody is killing anybody here today. So, forget about me killing you. OK.
But Fred (whinging!)
Melinda – I said not today.
Fred, you’re a spoil sport. you’re Omnipotent and Omniscient – so you know how I feel, can’t you take this pain away?
Melinda – It is my plan that you have that pain. You have life lessons that you are slated to learn from it. If I turn it off, how will you learn those life lessons? Tell me how and I will turn it off for you.
Fred, you could teach me.
No. Melinda, you must learn them on your own, that is what the Book says. There are rules, you know. I can’t go around doing everything that I want to. What would the world come to if I did?
Rules, schmules, who’s to know if a rule’s to be broken or bent a little Fred? Please release me!
Melinda, you have to love yourself first or it is all over.
What, Fred? Did you say love myself, Fred? I want to die, right here, right now. How can you say I have to love myself? For a higher power you are kind of stupid. I am a shell in pain. There is nothing left to love. I am hollow on the inside. The world is grey. There is nothing left to live for. Nothing left to love. How can I love myself when I feel like that, Fred?
You are beautiful both inside and out Melinda. You have to understand that. The pain makes you crazy. Make the pain, part of yourself. Like a big toe, or your pinkie finger. Learn to live with it. It will never go away. You need to understand that. Your life may have changed, but it can be a better life, nonetheless than it was before.
You have got to be kidding me Fred! I had everything, Fred. A Big House, a Big Job, Big Money, Big Bank Accounts, Big Investment Accounts, A Mercedes. This unreal! Now What Do I Have? BAD PAIN FOREVER! That’s what I have. Who would trade with me? NOBODY! That’s right, Fred! Nobody! And you want me to do what? Love myself? Make the pain part of me? Who are you kidding? You are a funny guy Fred. What am I going to do for money, Fred? What will I do with my life Fred? How will I handle this pain, if I only want to die, it is so bad? I can’t see a way through this all. I really can’t.
Melinda, you must open you heart to me. Trust me. I have a plan for you. I would never steer you wrong. As I said before. Make the pain a part of you. Look up how the old American Indian Warriors handled pain. That will help. Learn meditation. Learn QiGong. Those Chinese Masters knew a thing or two. Go on a crusade to make pain bearable. Your mind is your weapon. You have a finely honed weapon there Melinda. USE IT! Meditate everyday for at least two hours, until you’re in control at last. Then, you can start on loving yourself. You will have to rebuild yourself from square one, because everything that was important to you before – the money, the house, the big job, the car, it really doesn’t matter any more.
What does matter Fred?
People, and Love matter Melinda. Instead of taking, it is time to give back to the world, but first you have to love yourself again, before you can love others again and the world.
Wow! Fred, that is a big job! I’m in so much pain, I cannot think clearly, much less help the world at large. You think I can do this, Fred?
Of course, you can do this Melinda. Would I have given you this pain, if it was not to refocus you from your hi-tech world of being an Executive to saving the world. The World needs people like you. You needed something dramatic to make you change. It was sad that I had to do it this way, but I had to. There was no other way. You are so stubborn. You would not have changed your perspective any other way. Use that pain as an impetus to drive your work to help others, as well as a way to sympathize and empathize with others’ pain. You won’t be able to help yourself, your heart is too big, Melinda. I made sure of that.
Did the pain have to be this bad?
Yes, it did Melinda, or you would never have had the willpower to go the long haul. It will take universes full of willpower to get your pain under control. Once done, nothing will be an obstacle – everything will seem easy, compared to what you will have already been through. Once that starting gun goes off, there is no looking back. You will help people all over the world. You’re quality of life will increase exponentially. You and I – well, needless to say will be tighter than two ticks in a rug. You will love yourself, and your heart will be open to the love of others and the universe. Who could ask for more?
Can I really do this? It sounds so hard and different from what I used to do.
Yes, Melinda. You are perfect for this. That is why it is my plan for you. Remember, omnipotent and omniscient.
Sorry, sorry, just checking – should have remembered. Will you help me, if I have trouble along the way, Fred?
I am always there for you, Melinda. I have helpers who always watch over people like you, and report back. If you have a really big problem that you can’t work out by yourself – and we both know you can work out most problems by yourself, meditate on it. Put the question in your mind and in your meditation, walk up a hill and find me at the top. I will be in flowing silk robes. Sitting beneath a banyan tree in the lotus position – meditating myself. When you reach the top, the wind will begin to blow; disturbing me from my meditations. I will see you. Bend down and I will whisper in your ear the answer to your question. Walk back down the hill. The sun will have come out. The breeze will blow the rich red poppies back and forth along the way. You will feel wonderful. Your problem is solved. As you reach the bottom of the hill, you will wake from your meditation, remembering the answer to the question that you posed before the meditation started. It should work out wonderfully.
Thanks, Fred. Shouldn’t I pray to you, so something like that?
Pray? What century do you think that we are in? We try to use our brains? Big brains mean big advances. Look at it my way, do you want a bunch of mealy-mouthed people asking you for this and that 24/7? I mean, By the Universal Me, I don’t want to be prayed to, I want Universal Understanding, Love and Peace as well as intelligent questions. Worship is one thing, but I am going for Universal Peace and Love, not Worship – never worship. That’s for old Gods who have Big Egos. Not me. I don’t need it. Holy this, and Blessed that. Pah! I have enough on my plate as it is, without someone, somewhere wanting to bow down and kiss my foot. EEW! What is that about anyway? Foot kissing is a fetish that is better dealt with on the internet under alt.foot.toecleavage. Anyway, I got off on a tangent, where was I? Oh, yes. worship. If you feel you must, then go ahead, worship me, Fred, but do it quietly, so I don’t hear it. I won’t answer your prayers. I will answer intelligent questions put in any way, shape or form. So, if they happen to be in your prayers, then I will probably answer them – just not in the way you expect. Remember, I am the man with the plan. Each person on Earth and every planet with life is part of that plan. So don’t be surprised if something happens after you ask your question that is rather unlikely. A miracle? Maybe. A life change. Could be. But if you ask for money, a big house, a Mercedes or a good job – you are out of luck. You might as well talk to the dog or the wall. I said intelligent questions, remember. Thanks, Joel Osteen, for - bigger the better, the tighter, the sweater” approach. And to the others like you, STOP! It doesn’t work. LEAVE FRED ALONE! You clog the Universal airwaves with crap that is better played at shopping malls, self-help seminars and infomercials, not at FRED! Fred is a deity, not an investment banker. He does not get bigger houses, better jobs, more money. He brings Universal Peace and Love to the Universe. Nuff said.
What do I do now Fred?
Meditate Melinda. Our time is up. I have to go. I have a planet to protect.
Thank you Fred, for all this. I have to internalize all that we talked about, but I think I get the gist of it. It’s time for a change. Time to help people, instead of taking. Time to love myself, instead of working all day and all night to provide for my family and of course more than provide, get them anything their little hearts could desire. It’s time to focus on love and people and the world. I first have to deal with my pain. That is the hard part. Ancient American Indian Warriors, you said. Hmmm! Well, I’m off to do research. I’m good at it. I did it for years as an Industry Analyst in Bleeding Edged Networking, so pain won’t be a problem. First I’m going to meditate and try a few things to see if I can’t make this pain a little better. Thank you Fred, for everything you said. I couldn’t have done it without you.
Melinda, you are a special one. One marked for great things. Just keep moving and everything will turn out as planned. We will talk later – I promise. Good bye for now.
Good bye Fred, and Thank you.
And in a puff of smoke Fred slowly fades away, leaving nothing in his place but a few wisps of lavender air in his place. Was he really there? Of course he was. The wisps prove that. A deity alone with a woman in pain wishing to die. It is absurd, but also very real. A figment of her abused imagination? No. he really was there. The talk they had was real. The goals he gave her were real too. It was time to meditate. To make the pain less strong, then off to research Old American Indian ways to handle pain. The Crusade was on.